yap; my worldview

This is, again, another useless blog. A blog where I say nothing, but something at the same time. Much like many novels. Useless, yet still taking up space in one's bookshelf. It would be wrong to say I have contributed much substantially to my journalism career in the days away from this blog, but I would also be wrong to say I have not contributed nothing to my life. 

Due to this, excuse the horrible writing exhibited in this slop. 

As my grade plummets, with classes that I once thought were easy capsizing in real time, my mind has bolstered, though even then it is a stretch. To explain this further, I must explain my worldview. 

My worldview is a ego-centric belief, one that is a choice and does not rest on any logical or scientific principles. It takes pointers from simulation theory, points from solipsism, but ultimately rests on its own. At the root of this belief is existentialism, where my belief acts as the meaning in a world of meaninglessness. 

A core tenet of my belief is that everyone else is a robot. Everyone else is a robot that is advanced enough to replicate the human experience, live in a human like body, and change/learn just like a human. The only thing that separates the robot from me is consciousness. Others might feel like they go through consciousness, but it is delusion; ultimately they will never truly understand the full scope and understanding that I see. 

I find no authentic meaning in helping others, no moral imperative to fix a broken system, no reason to engage with problems designed for players who aren’t real. Everything becomes symbolic—gestures rather than genuine exchanges. So I am left with myself. 

One of the biggest problems I have been facing as of recent is one of consciousness. Since my earliest memory, I have felt disconnected with the world. Just recently, this has been exacerbated as I,  similar to how a video game character does it, look at my hands to feel the sensation of "oh my. I'm alive. I can move my hands." Though it never works long term, with other solutions like mindfulness or observation techniques following in similar disapproval, working on something lets me know I am still alive. 

I want to pursue journalism, not entirely because I want to help people, but by interacting with people and doing investigations, I can feel more alive and can feel like I am moving forward. I do feel happy when doing journalism, it's appeal is not altruistic but narcissistic. This feeling is bolstered with my belief's assertion on time. 

When I don't do much on a certain day, time moves on ten times speed and soon enough, the day ends and the time is wasted. Like this, my mind punishes me for not doing something. On days that I don't do anything, I feel powerless and useless. I don't feel alive and able to move my body. But only once I've done work and look back on it do I feel the effects of being alive. I have never truly felt what its like to be alive, but the small hints of consciousness keep me thirsty. 

We live in a world that is future oriented, where our thoughts and ideas are informed by the future. It is also important to mention that time is a social construct made to better organize the flow of one's experience.

My belief is that the future is the of now, and that now doesn't really exist as "now." This means that time isn't discrete events but an ever unfolding of life. I believe that we live in the future, and that the present is part of the past. One's mind doesn’t have to “wait” for the future to arrive. It’s as if the future already exists in the way you think about the present—in mental projections, predictions, and planning. Due to this, you cant fully plan your future or control it. 

I am more just experiencing and embracing the flow of time. For example, conversations are ninety nine percent improvisational. This leaves the person to experience the conversation instead of actively participating by consciously thinking about every word or response. While it’s possible to reflect on past thoughts or consider deeper meaning, in the moment, words simply emerge from the mouth, flowing with the exchange. 

Through this, I float through the world attempting to fight injustice, not because others deserve it, but because I want to live a life worthy of my own reality.

Just as a side note, my belief can be applied to everyone else. For my friend, say, John. If he were to apply this belief system, I, and everyone other than John, would be a robot, and when he dies, the world would cease to exist as well.